'Tis So Sweet to Trust.

Job 35:5 
"Look up at the heavens and see; gaze at the clouds so high above you." 

With my hands gripping the steering wheel of my car, my knuckles turning white, the array of my emotions turned to tears. Every tear drop could have been identified; fear, confusion, anger, sadness, disappointment, hope, and many more tears were shed. Too many to name. Too many emotions to contain. 

Just weeks before, I had come to a realization that I had stopped trusting God and had been living life on my own...I felt like I had every right to take control of my own life as to avoid disappointment. I was disillusioned. I was disappointed in God. Because of circumstances in my life, I believed God to be less good than I had previously believed. Almost every part of me was convinced that I was better off in control of my own life. At least when things went wrong, I was the one to blame. Or other humans. Not a God who was supposed to be so good. Yet, the truth of God's goodness and love still had a grasp on my heart. And I decided to trust God again. September 28, 2012. It wasn't really an emotional experience. It was a choice. I chose to trust God's character over my own experiences. 

Trusting God isn't just a once in a life time decision I have discovered. 

Picture me again in my car crying, after walking out of the ICU hospital room where my mother fought for her life. It wasn't many weeks after my decision to trust God, that my mom got rushed to the ER where doctors discovered that an aneurysm had burst causing bleeding in her brain. She lied almost lifeless for a couple of days. I rarely left her side afraid that the amount of time I would have left with her was dwindling. My hand would hold hers ever so gently, my tears falling onto her precious hand and I would brush my hand across her forehead. The woman that lied in that bed wasn't the woman who gave birth to me, but was the woman who had come alongside my single parent dad and chose to love me. Not only did I call her mom but I was at a point in my life that she had become my friend. And the thought of losing her was unbearable. My dad and I would just cry and hug each other along with the many family members and friends who were there during the very uncertain time. I had hope that she would push through. But I was afraid to not be honest about the fatal possibility. I felt almost selfish but the dominating thought I had was, what if she doesn't get to see me get married one day, what if she doesn't get to see the children that I am sure to have, what if...                                                                   

Within a couple days she was waking up some, but the bleeding had left her brain slightly damaged and doctors said that in time some of her brain would heal but slowly and there was no guarantee that her brain would totally heal. The ups and downs of the weeks were overwhelming. Some days better than others. But it was the Saturday after the Tuesday night that mom had been rushed to the hospital, the night that my dad also revealed to me that doctors believed his cancer was back...it was a few days later, after so many emotions that I found myself in my car making the familiar drive back to Dallas. I had walked out of moms room in tears, still unsure of what the future held. I had hugged dad goodbye, with frustrated and confused tears. 

On that drive home, I turned off the worship music that spoke of God's goodness and had been encouraging me through one the roughest weeks of my life. I felt miserable, probably somewhat like Job and I decided to look up...and I began a tearful conversation with God that went something like this: 

"Ok, God. I am going to be honest with you. And I feel stupid talking out loud because I just feel like I am talking to myself. But why? What the hell are you doing? I don't understand. I just chose to trust you again...to again be disappointed? What are you trying to do? Why did you make this happen or allow it, are you trying to get me to prove how much I really trust you??" 

I had thought of my dad randomly and thought about how he wouldn't allow something or cause something to happen that hurt me to prove my love for him or my trust in him. And I had the feeling that even though it seemed like God had done just that, that wasn't the case. 

God's response confirmed.

"Jess, I didn't cause this to happen to see how much you trust me. And you didn't just choose to trust me. I wooed you to a place of trust in me because I see the end from the beginning and I knew that this was going to happen and I knew that you would need to trust me to get through this."

My tears had stopped. My heart had become stilled at His response. Truth had set me free. In my transparency, God met me. 

October 20, 2012. I chose to trust, again. 

A part of God's character was revealed to me. A part which proved greater than my circumstances.

I can't explain the painful situations that come in life that you and I face. I don't know who is to blame. But when circumstances cause you to question God's character as the circumstances in my own life have continued to do...look up. God can handle our honesty. And even if we never fully see or understand the grand masterpiece of this thing we call our life...I believe that when we seek to glimpse a part of the picture with our whole heart, God responds like the artist of a painting with a stroke, moving His hand with gentle pressure over the canvas of our lives repeatedly with His truth. And it is His truth that enables us to trust.

Trillions of Thoughts

I love to write and put together words to cunningly describe events or ideas. Yet i find it very difficult to sit myself down and write. I think because in my head exist  a trillion thoughts that are not compartmentalized- and it takes a  lot of time and effort to put up walls to separate my thoughts and have one specific idea. Naturally, as a woman it all runs together! Ha!
Does anyone else have that problem???

Construction Sight

The air had cooled down significantly, as i got into my car to head home last night after some time with friends. The sun was of course settled for the night and a few stars speckled the sky along with several airplanes, flying in or out of the nearby airport. It was getting late and as i was trying to get home to go to bed at a decent hour. I cannot remember for sure but i believe i left the music off, which rarely happens, and left myself to my thoughts. I wasn't looking to be inspired by any particular thing on my drive home, but that is what happened.
Driving down the highway, i passed an area that has been under construction for the past few weeks. Every time i pass it im amazed at how overpasses are built. Now i do not know the terms and so i am not sure if i can adequately describe what it looks like so i will leave that to you to imagine. But there are pieces strategically placed in position to eventually all connect. And what is even more incredible is that we drive over these overpasses without a thought, trusting it to hold whatever passes over upon it. As i saw the unfinished scene driving home last night, i was hit with a thought. All the pieces and the putting together of the materials becomes a foundation for people to drive upon. Likewise, all the pieces and the putting together of the revelations of who God is becomes a solid foundation for people to live upon. And its in a solid foundation that trust is enabled.

With You

I wanna be content.

I wanna find who i am in Christ and not seek it from man.

I wanna feel like i am whole and complete within because of Him.

I want God to teach me what it means to truly love.

I wanna fall in love.

I wanna trip over myself in awe of the man that appears before me.

I wanna feel like i do and dont deserve him all at the very same time.

I want him to be all that i ever wanted... and then some.

I wanna see our lives.

I wanna know what lies ahead with our future together.

I wanna pursue our passions that God placed there long ago.

I want me to be all that God has called me to be- with you.

To Whom it May Concern-

I can't wait to love you and be loved by you- as we are loved by God, may we love people.

1 John 3:22-24
22 And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.23 And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment.24 And he that keepeth his commandments dwelleth in him, and he in him. And hereby we know that he abideth in us, by the Spirit which he hath given us.

I just saw things differently after reading this! In the new testament when i read commandment i always see the Ten Commandments. So before when reading this and other similar verses, i felt like the author was preaching "works". If you keep the Ten Commandments: if you do not lie, if you do not steal, if you do not hate, if you always keep God first...then you are in right standing with God...

I believe that is what much of the church has taught, that was my understanding growing up. It was about measuring up, trying to do right to remain in good standing. I have been learning differently in the past years though, as i have come to more accurately understand grace and God's ulitimate sacrifice that united us once and for all, independent of what i do, don't do, lack or whatever...

So in verse 22,  "And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight."- I used to believe it to mean that we get what we want and ask of God when we follow the Ten Commandments, when we are "good"- because that is pleasing to God.

But whoa, in verse 23 it clearly states the commandments, "23 And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment."

So that means, that irregardless of what we do, don't do- by believing in God's personally named son, Jesus Christ we are found pleasing to God! And out of a true, living relationship with Him, we are enabled to love one another which is His second command. You cannot have one without the other. They go hand in hand. 

Once again, i find the basics of life to be- Love God, and Love People.  

When We Practice Real Love

1 John 3:18

18 My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love.19 This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality.20 It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.
21 And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God!22 We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him.23 Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command.24 As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.

The MESSAGE

Umm, there is not much that i can really say. Reading this proves to me that the scripture preaches itself. I was blown away though a few weeks ago when i came across this portion in 1 John!

Cultivation Produces Dependency on God

I just pulled up my blog while at work to see if i could write down a few thoughts since its super slow around here for a change. When my page popped up, my blog title immediately grabbed my attention- "Season to Cultivate." I had no idea how a year ago when i began blogging that would so clearly define this season in my life.
Cultivate means to prepare and use; to loosen or break up the soil about; foster the growth of. The fields of my heart have more than taken a tilling to. Every weakness, every root has seemed to be loosened from the recesses of my heart; at times causing my heart to harden in resistance. Painful and unexpected things have been brought forth, coming to the surface revealing how necessary this process is.
Honestly i thought that my season of "Cultivation" would be about me becoming better, about me becoming who i have always wanted to be- more sweet, more passionate, more loving, more determined, more so able to be used...to be more of a "woman after God's own heart".
Instead of becoming all those things, i was disappointed when i began to see what was under the surface of my heart- loneliness, dissatisfaction, discontentment, anger, bitterness, fear, passivity, complacency. All stemming from self dependency.
As i write this and am caught in thought of what i have been learning, i can not help but realize how self dependent i became by trying to be "good enough" and "better". While trying i just fell further. Because i was self seeking, i began to act on what i wanted and attempted to be satisfied by things that could only offer a mirage of satisfaction. I began to see that "I" cant fix myself, "I" cant be good enough. In all of my effort, it was not enough to be who i knew i wanted to be. That's when i started to understand that Christ never meant for me to fix myself or be good enough. Otherwise, He would have had no need to give up His precious life and endure the trials He faced.
True Cultivation leads to dependency on God, not yourself. We can not dig up those things ourselves, therefore we cannot mend them ourselves. I picture Him as the farmer, and us the field. Because of sin and our experiences growing up that tampered our view of God and His character, our hearts become hardened. It is necessary that we allow constant cultivation, depending on God to uproot and to heal our past experiences and any that come along. And more importantly implant the truth of who He is. Only then can we truly become who He intended for us to be, producing good fruit for the world to see.