Unsatisfied- You Satisfy

I get so frustrated with myself. I know the truth. But it is as if i don't truly believe the truth that i know so well.
My heart has felt discontent and unsatisfied this week. And i did nothing to allow God to meet the need.
So the emptiness continued and then the need for the desire to be quenched overwhelmed me. My thoughts entertained the idea that i should give up this "my life is not my own" and live my life as my own...because i could do a much better job of meeting my needs. Deep down i knew this to be very untrue. But yet that part of my heart that has yet to be tilled and sown with truth, grasped for more. I found myself unhappy with my physical, spiritual and emotional condition. Yet it took a week of being weak to do something powerful. And i realized i had a choice. I could continue on the path of the idea of doing what i pleased, which would be totally unsatisfying in the end...or i could quit my stinkin' thinkin' as some folks say and surrender again to the One who meets every need that we allow Him to meet.
Just by that internal choice, i sensed the satisfaction of transparency with God and allowing Him to meet me where i was. I took note, that i didn't have to have a crazy encounter with Him like we often think it takes, but i changed my thoughts...which in essence is repentance. And He embraced me. As i was. Whoa.
I am still in the process of knowing who i am. Some days i walk with a better understanding than other days. In an effort to feel wanted i entertained the idea of just letting my guard down and doing what most girls my age do. But when i know that i am wanted and longed for by God and that is enough, i have no need of any others attention and acceptance. Am i being too real? I surely have some people out there that can relate in some capacity. We don't feel like we are enough- and we are tempted to step out to be what we think it will take to feel enough. I compare myself. I have found myself critical of others and even more critical of myself. All of this stemming from the underlying lie, that i am not enough. If i were, i would have not gotten my heart broken. If i were, my real mom would have stayed. If i were, my dad would have paid more attention to me. If i were, people would see the gifting in me and recognize me. If i were....of course on the surface none of these seemingly affect me anymore. But deep down, God is still in the process of uprooting these lies that i secretly believe. And He is planting the truth that i am His and enough.
With my life, I want to be found transparent and real. I want to speak and reveal what others are afraid to show, to offer freedom. It would be nice if i could say to people that i know exactly who i am and that i don't struggle with trying to be found satisfied in anything but God. But i instead am the first one to say that its a battle. When people see me, i want them to see me as a young woman who knows her strengths and weaknesses and offers hope through both of them. I want to be seen for who i am- not together but in total pursuit to be found whole through Christ.
This past week was a rough one. I was enticed to enter a season of complacency. In doing so i would have remained stagnant and left unsatisfied. But I'm finally believing the truth that i have known so well. And i made the decision to continue in my pursuit of wholeness. In doing so, i am satisfied. I am enough. And i can sense the embrace of a Father that longs for me. Thank You Jesus.

We sometimes feel unsatisfied in our walk with God. But it has nothing to do with Him and His inability to meet our need but everything to do with our lack of vulnerability to allow Him to reach past the surface and tenderly fill the longing of our hearts.