"Look up at the heavens and see; gaze at the clouds so high above you."
With my hands gripping the steering wheel of my car, my knuckles turning white, the array of my emotions turned to tears. Every tear drop could have been identified; fear, confusion, anger, sadness, disappointment, hope, and many more tears were shed. Too many to name. Too many emotions to contain.
Just weeks before, I had come to a realization that I had stopped trusting God and had been living life on my own...I felt like I had every right to take control of my own life as to avoid disappointment. I was disillusioned. I was disappointed in God. Because of circumstances in my life, I believed God to be less good than I had previously believed. Almost every part of me was convinced that I was better off in control of my own life. At least when things went wrong, I was the one to blame. Or other humans. Not a God who was supposed to be so good. Yet, the truth of God's goodness and love still had a grasp on my heart. And I decided to trust God again. September 28, 2012. It wasn't really an emotional experience. It was a choice. I chose to trust God's character over my own experiences.
Trusting God isn't just a once in a life time decision I have discovered.
Picture me again in my car crying, after walking out of the ICU hospital room where my mother fought for her life. It wasn't many weeks after my decision to trust God, that my mom got rushed to the ER where doctors discovered that an aneurysm had burst causing bleeding in her brain. She lied almost lifeless for a couple of days. I rarely left her side afraid that the amount of time I would have left with her was dwindling. My hand would hold hers ever so gently, my tears falling onto her precious hand and I would brush my hand across her forehead. The woman that lied in that bed wasn't the woman who gave birth to me, but was the woman who had come alongside my single parent dad and chose to love me. Not only did I call her mom but I was at a point in my life that she had become my friend. And the thought of losing her was unbearable. My dad and I would just cry and hug each other along with the many family members and friends who were there during the very uncertain time. I had hope that she would push through. But I was afraid to not be honest about the fatal possibility. I felt almost selfish but the dominating thought I had was, what if she doesn't get to see me get married one day, what if she doesn't get to see the children that I am sure to have, what if...
Within a couple days she was waking up some, but the bleeding had left her brain slightly damaged and doctors said that in time some of her brain would heal but slowly and there was no guarantee that her brain would totally heal. The ups and downs of the weeks were overwhelming. Some days better than others. But it was the Saturday after the Tuesday night that mom had been rushed to the hospital, the night that my dad also revealed to me that doctors believed his cancer was back...it was a few days later, after so many emotions that I found myself in my car making the familiar drive back to Dallas. I had walked out of moms room in tears, still unsure of what the future held. I had hugged dad goodbye, with frustrated and confused tears.
On that drive home, I turned off the worship music that spoke of God's goodness and had been encouraging me through one the roughest weeks of my life. I felt miserable, probably somewhat like Job and I decided to look up...and I began a tearful conversation with God that went something like this:
"Ok, God. I am going to be honest with you. And I feel stupid talking out loud because I just feel like I am talking to myself. But why? What the hell are you doing? I don't understand. I just chose to trust you again...to again be disappointed? What are you trying to do? Why did you make this happen or allow it, are you trying to get me to prove how much I really trust you??"
I had thought of my dad randomly and thought about how he wouldn't allow something or cause something to happen that hurt me to prove my love for him or my trust in him. And I had the feeling that even though it seemed like God had done just that, that wasn't the case.
God's response confirmed.
"Jess, I didn't cause this to happen to see how much you trust me. And you didn't just choose to trust me. I wooed you to a place of trust in me because I see the end from the beginning and I knew that this was going to happen and I knew that you would need to trust me to get through this."
My tears had stopped. My heart had become stilled at His response. Truth had set me free. In my transparency, God met me.
October 20, 2012. I chose to trust, again.
A part of God's character was revealed to me. A part which proved greater than my circumstances.
I can't explain the painful situations that come in life that you and I face. I don't know who is to blame. But when circumstances cause you to question God's character as the circumstances in my own life have continued to do...look up. God can handle our honesty. And even if we never fully see or understand the grand masterpiece of this thing we call our life...I believe that when we seek to glimpse a part of the picture with our whole heart, God responds like the artist of a painting with a stroke, moving His hand with gentle pressure over the canvas of our lives repeatedly with His truth. And it is His truth that enables us to trust.
