Brrr....
I am sitting outside my house on the balcony enjoying the crisp night air in a rocking chair. I have my comfy sweats on and a t-shirt and jacket. After a two mile run i showered and watched a movie with my adoptive family. (I will have to write a blog soon about the family i am living with.) So with no make up on and my hair soft without any product in it, i am sitting thinking of who i am and who i am becoming and wondering what the next milestone is going to be in my life.
I actually went to church this morning at the church where i grew up at with my parents so i had an hour drive home earlier where i had time to think and really just voice my heart to God. This past month has been a difficult one for me. But i think the biggest thing im learning from it is that i must make a daily surrender to God and daily choose to trust Him. In my mind, i try to figure everything out and i feel like i doubt the good things that God has in store for me. I must pause to dance to Taylor Swift with my adopted sister Allison.


Haha. That was fun dancing but she had to go to bed. So i get to go back to writing.  The dancing definitely warmed me up! Id love to have a pumpkin spice latte in hand, but i suppose i will plan that for another night. Sitting out here is a good spot to write and think.


But back to what i was saying about learning to trust that God has good intentions for me and choosing to daily surrender myself to Him...
I think its really something that we all struggle with. It is so easy to get caught up in different things in life, whether its success or lack of success with  jobs,  relationships, or whatever we may identify with. But God has called us to identify ourselves with His Son. Not with position, or relationships or any other false identity. I have come to realize that the gospel is not just about us receiving freedom from Hell but freedom from false identities. He came so that we would no longer live for ourselves. To us that may not seem like freedom, and so we live our lives for ourselves with God's blessing. But i coming to an understanding that He came to free us from sin and from ourselves, the way we view ourselves; false identity. We must lose ourselves and no longer live for ourselves as Christians.


This is just something i am trying to study and grasp. I dont fully understand it all. But i know that when we identify ourselves with Christ we find fulfillment and satisfaction. I know that i will never fully know who i was created and destined to be without knowing who i am in Christ. Without Him i am nothing and i have nothing but empty words to offer. But with Him, i am able to love Him and love His people well. And that is what we are ultimately called to right? So my hearts desire through losing my identity is to find it again in Him. Just another game of losing and finding.  

Patience

Im actually sitting here at work, anticipating a rather slow day...i have already finished what filing i had to do and so i now wait and answer the phones here at the law firm. Because tomorrow is Thanksgiving, several people are out of the office today...too bad im not one of them.
When it is slow at work, i have found myself pondering things concerning my life. Today, i got to thinking about how impatient i am. Why must i worry about the future and try to figure out every detail of my life???


Most people do lack patience i suppose. But some stuggle with not being in control, as myself.
I just got out of a 10 month relationship with a guy who i thought i would marry. While in the relationship, i had a sense of control...i was in a relationship and heading into the direction of marriage. I felt like i knew what to expect. Heart crushed and unexpectedly....i am now single and i have no control of what is going to happen. Probably one of the suckiest feelings.
I have no idea what to expect so i am back to wondering if this guy or that guy could be "the one". I dont mean to wonder...it just happens. And i dont really appreciate it!  In my mind, im getting impatient and trying to figure out what the future could hold, while im still trying to make sure ive let go completely of my previous relationship. Yet, all the same while i am stuck wondering if that previous relationship may happen again in the future.
All the questions in my mind, and all the emotions rolling through my being....
All i can say is that i need patience. I have to take one day at a time and enjoy my today and not worry about my tomorrow. Buuuut its hard...my greatest desire is to love a man well and to be the best mother. Buuuuut now is not the time so i have got to do me and be content. Ive got to focus on what i have to offer without being in a relationship and know that there is something great in store for me...whatever it may be.
Lord, give me patience.

Lost and Found

I am coming to the realization that life is just an ongoing game of losing and finding. At the age of twenty, I have come to realize that i really dont know who i am. As crazy or as ridiculous as that may sound, its not a bad thing. Because what is lost can be found. And Paul said that whatever we are willing to lose we will find. As i lose who i thought i was, i am gaining who God has created me to be. When you get saved, you become a new creation but i believe its a continued process. Instantly our spirits are saved, while our soul [mind, will, and emotions] begin the process of being saved. And at the return of Christ, our bodies will be saved. So though i feel lost and not sure of my future, i have a new anticipation of discovery. It is time to lose my fears, false desires, past mistakes and regrets to awaken and find God's love, hope, and truth!

Season to Cultivate

With my heart aching, im questioning myself, "How can i find complete hope in God?"
What does that even mean?
I know that nothing else will satisfy me. I know that things wont soften these painful jabs. I know that this feeling isnt forever. I have tried too long to let tangible things keep me from grasping the reality of Your love.
God, i am asking You to satisfy me with Your love; with Your peace that passes my limited understanding. I am acknowleging my dependency upon You.
Every wound in my life has been a stepping block for me to draw closer to You, so Lord, now i run after You.
God, i am choosing to cultivate my heart to find complete hope in You. I am choosing to foster the growth of my hope in You. And as i walk through this, would You help me write on paper how we as women can cultivate our souls; lifting our minds, wills, and emotions to You and not to people who will fail?  Would you shed light on these hidden areas of dependency on other people?  God restore healthy relationships. Restore families. Restore the broken hearted. And as You restore, may we fall more in love with You so that we can adequately love ourselves and others.