Unsatisfied- You Satisfy

I get so frustrated with myself. I know the truth. But it is as if i don't truly believe the truth that i know so well.
My heart has felt discontent and unsatisfied this week. And i did nothing to allow God to meet the need.
So the emptiness continued and then the need for the desire to be quenched overwhelmed me. My thoughts entertained the idea that i should give up this "my life is not my own" and live my life as my own...because i could do a much better job of meeting my needs. Deep down i knew this to be very untrue. But yet that part of my heart that has yet to be tilled and sown with truth, grasped for more. I found myself unhappy with my physical, spiritual and emotional condition. Yet it took a week of being weak to do something powerful. And i realized i had a choice. I could continue on the path of the idea of doing what i pleased, which would be totally unsatisfying in the end...or i could quit my stinkin' thinkin' as some folks say and surrender again to the One who meets every need that we allow Him to meet.
Just by that internal choice, i sensed the satisfaction of transparency with God and allowing Him to meet me where i was. I took note, that i didn't have to have a crazy encounter with Him like we often think it takes, but i changed my thoughts...which in essence is repentance. And He embraced me. As i was. Whoa.
I am still in the process of knowing who i am. Some days i walk with a better understanding than other days. In an effort to feel wanted i entertained the idea of just letting my guard down and doing what most girls my age do. But when i know that i am wanted and longed for by God and that is enough, i have no need of any others attention and acceptance. Am i being too real? I surely have some people out there that can relate in some capacity. We don't feel like we are enough- and we are tempted to step out to be what we think it will take to feel enough. I compare myself. I have found myself critical of others and even more critical of myself. All of this stemming from the underlying lie, that i am not enough. If i were, i would have not gotten my heart broken. If i were, my real mom would have stayed. If i were, my dad would have paid more attention to me. If i were, people would see the gifting in me and recognize me. If i were....of course on the surface none of these seemingly affect me anymore. But deep down, God is still in the process of uprooting these lies that i secretly believe. And He is planting the truth that i am His and enough.
With my life, I want to be found transparent and real. I want to speak and reveal what others are afraid to show, to offer freedom. It would be nice if i could say to people that i know exactly who i am and that i don't struggle with trying to be found satisfied in anything but God. But i instead am the first one to say that its a battle. When people see me, i want them to see me as a young woman who knows her strengths and weaknesses and offers hope through both of them. I want to be seen for who i am- not together but in total pursuit to be found whole through Christ.
This past week was a rough one. I was enticed to enter a season of complacency. In doing so i would have remained stagnant and left unsatisfied. But I'm finally believing the truth that i have known so well. And i made the decision to continue in my pursuit of wholeness. In doing so, i am satisfied. I am enough. And i can sense the embrace of a Father that longs for me. Thank You Jesus.

We sometimes feel unsatisfied in our walk with God. But it has nothing to do with Him and His inability to meet our need but everything to do with our lack of vulnerability to allow Him to reach past the surface and tenderly fill the longing of our hearts.

Run the Race Well.

Going at a steady pace, i was getting tired. It was my sixth lap and i needed to really focus on my breathing. The sun was about to be setting and it was a beautiful afternoon with a nice breeze. If i was going to keep going, to reach my goal i was going to have to breathe right. So, with Hillsong worship playing in my ear, i got my breathing pattern in correlation to the beat of the music. Ah! I was going to meet my goal after all- i was getting enough oxygen to keep running.

 Many times we cant run as long because we are not breathing right. As i was running, i was thinking about the importance of correct breathing technique and i had this thought- Breathing right doesn't make you run. And prayer and time studying God's word doesn't get you saved. But breathing right will cause you to run well.

I thought about how focusing on my breathing was comparable to focusing on learning from God and spending time allowing Him to form me. So, prayer and doing the things that God has called us to do will not save us, as correct breathing will not cause us to run.  But its a necessary practice for one to live a saved life well, or run a race strong. You run. You learn to breath right. You are saved. You learn to be formed by God.

So often we can distance ourselves from God or be down on ourselves for not praying enough or reading the Bible enough. Doing those things does not have any effect on His love for us, which we sometimes believe. The purpose of doing those things is not so that God will love us more, or use us more. It is in a desire to live life well. And that desire comes from ultimately wanting to know God well and know ourselves well.

As i was tiring after a couple of miles, my inhale and exhale became heavier. As i breathed in and out, i saw the process of my life. Inhaling the truth of God, who He is and who He says i am...and exhaling the lies of Satan, who he is and who he says i am.

As you see, i have a funny thought process. I look at things probably from an absurd angle. People don't always see what i see in things...but its these small thoughts that impact me in a large way. Breathing right gets us through the rough spots in the race to the finish line. And allowing God to mold us by us spending time in prayer and in His word gets us through every season and causes us to live our life well...abundantly. Run your race well.

Wholeness that Produces Holiness

At work, so here is a throw down of some of my thoughts at the moment that i will at some point go back and edit and more clearly write:

We sometimes go about life pursuing holiness thinking that it will bring about wholeness. Error. Only when we are whole can we live a life of holiness. In my own life i tried to the best of my ability to do the right things but found myself very disappointed and unsatisfied. Even when i was doing the right thing, i was still very broken. And in search to be filled, i did the wrong things.
What is wholeness? integrity: an undivided or unbroken completeness or totality with nothing wanting
What is holiness? dedication or concecration to God or devotion to the service of God
Much religion is about us trying to be dedicated enough to God that we then have integrity and an unbroken completeness. But the truth is- you must have undivided completeness in order to fully be concecrated to God.
The question is, how do you become whole? How do you become a person of integrity with undivided completeness or totality with nothing wanting?
You must disengage with the lies that you come to believe based on your circumstances or surroundings and embrace the truth of God's love, provision, and plan for you. Only then can you be fully dedicated. It will flow out of you, instead of be forced out of you. When you are whole, you have an understanding of who God is and who He has created you to be. You live wanting nothing but Him and therefore, you live a devoted life to Him, seeking no other.

The greatest problem today is people trying to live a holy life without being whole. It is impossible to be dedicated and concecrated to God when you have divided and broken completeness...because you are still in search and in want...

My hearts desire is to see the people in the church pursue wholeness, which will bring about radical holiness.