Cultivation Produces Dependency on God

I just pulled up my blog while at work to see if i could write down a few thoughts since its super slow around here for a change. When my page popped up, my blog title immediately grabbed my attention- "Season to Cultivate." I had no idea how a year ago when i began blogging that would so clearly define this season in my life.
Cultivate means to prepare and use; to loosen or break up the soil about; foster the growth of. The fields of my heart have more than taken a tilling to. Every weakness, every root has seemed to be loosened from the recesses of my heart; at times causing my heart to harden in resistance. Painful and unexpected things have been brought forth, coming to the surface revealing how necessary this process is.
Honestly i thought that my season of "Cultivation" would be about me becoming better, about me becoming who i have always wanted to be- more sweet, more passionate, more loving, more determined, more so able to be used...to be more of a "woman after God's own heart".
Instead of becoming all those things, i was disappointed when i began to see what was under the surface of my heart- loneliness, dissatisfaction, discontentment, anger, bitterness, fear, passivity, complacency. All stemming from self dependency.
As i write this and am caught in thought of what i have been learning, i can not help but realize how self dependent i became by trying to be "good enough" and "better". While trying i just fell further. Because i was self seeking, i began to act on what i wanted and attempted to be satisfied by things that could only offer a mirage of satisfaction. I began to see that "I" cant fix myself, "I" cant be good enough. In all of my effort, it was not enough to be who i knew i wanted to be. That's when i started to understand that Christ never meant for me to fix myself or be good enough. Otherwise, He would have had no need to give up His precious life and endure the trials He faced.
True Cultivation leads to dependency on God, not yourself. We can not dig up those things ourselves, therefore we cannot mend them ourselves. I picture Him as the farmer, and us the field. Because of sin and our experiences growing up that tampered our view of God and His character, our hearts become hardened. It is necessary that we allow constant cultivation, depending on God to uproot and to heal our past experiences and any that come along. And more importantly implant the truth of who He is. Only then can we truly become who He intended for us to be, producing good fruit for the world to see.